Saturday, 15 November 2008

Not quite sure about a title

I'm not quite sure why I started a blog seeing as I am a very private girl. No shocking confessions (not that I have them, or at least am aware of). That said there's something I want to get of my chess so here I am extending a bit of my privacy =)

I have always been very grateful for everything in my life, couting my blessings. My family whon would go through fire for me, my friends and pets, work, but also the little things like food on my plate and fresh drinking water from the tap. I don't think many people realise what a blessing that is. I have been very lucky money wise, I'm certainly not rich (well not in the money way, with blessings I am a billionaire even in this time when things aren't that easy). The thing is I have run out of money. I went travelling for 2 months and came back with no money. Then something which greatly upset me happened and the money that I had just received from my tax return had to go there. It's not something I ever want to relive so I'm afraid I'll keep you in the dark about the what and who. The only thing is that by doing things for others you can put yourself in great trouble and it being shoved down your throat as thanks. Thankfully I am blessed with wonderful parents and little sister who are now supporting me. Wonderful but on the other hand one of the most awful things: to be dependent on others, to have to ask for money just so you can buy a loaf of bread. Mum especially is very easygoing about it, but I just dread asking her for money. She won't think any less of me, complaining doesn't even come up in her head (most people call her too kind for this world) but I feel ashamed asking her. It's certainly not something am I proud of. For these last five years I have worked and my own money which brings along with it freedom: freedom to move, freedom in mind, no worrying, knowing you will be able to eat the next day. Now I search the whole house and am delighted when I find 10 cents! Ten cents affords me the luxery for a cup of hot chocolate at work. Perhaps I should save my 10 cents, spending 50 cents on hot chocolate a week could have gone towards something more important like.. okay there's not much buy for that little money. I am thankfully very lucky to still live at home so I don't have to worry about rent. I did appreciate my money and independence before but never as much as I am now. I found myself a job but I have to wait for my pay check for another month so untill then I have to keep crunching my teeth and watch the penny very carefully.

I never really thought about it before, but I don't think I could ever be a stay at home parent because it would mean being dependent on someone else - I don't like spending other people's money if I haven't earned it myself. (Not that you don't work hard enough for it as a SAHM, more so probably but it's different getting paid buy your boss or hubby). This situation made me realise I want to be able to hold myself up and with that I mean it with everything: paying the shopping with my own money, fixing the broken door myself, being able to plaster a wall, able to make my own clothes, having a vegetable garden, chickens and cow so I don't even have to go to the supermarket: in short to be self dependent, to be self sufficiant. So there we are, that is my early New Years resolution. Take up courses in sewing and knitting, a diy course and start that vegetable garden. I might not get there in a year but that's alright, it's a step forwards.