Monday, 13 July 2009

Self doubt

As always struggling with what to do with my life. I know the lifestyle I want, but how to fit my career around it?

I want a dog

Keep ducks

Plotter in my vegetable garden

Paint, sew, make pottery


I guess you can say that I'm a romantic at heart :o)

But most of all I want a dog. Badly. I love the company and comfort adog gives and it always great to come and be greeted with so much love. To go on long walks, and play catch. Also a dog makes me feel safe. She will guard the house and me. But to have a full time job and work full time seems egoïstic. The poor creature will be stuck home alone all day. Thankfully there are dog walking services who will walk your dog when you're not home, but still.

I've always been struggling with my self confidence, or lack of it. I'm usually very enthusiastic about a college/university course I really want to do but after a while the doubts start to come in. Is it something I really want to do? Am I good enough? Can I find work in it? Even the bad 'what will other people think if I did this?'. It's get's be nowhere except in a big muddle. Perhaps I'm just unconciously scared to go back to school after such a long time. I don't like big crowds and I'm always worried about my memory and that I want's remember what I've been taught at exams. It took me four times to pass my drivers license. Not because I was a bad driver - I was good in the lessons- but during the driving exams I would totally black out. I had to go to an special examination office where they took more time with you. Fear of failure is what my driving instructor said. I would LIKE to go to college and learn -I always want to learn new things. Andf to be realistic, where are you nowadays without a proper college degree? Behind the till at Tesco? A factory worker? Nothing wrong with those jobs, but it's for me. I know I can do more then that.

I will write more later.